YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR *** OFF!!!

[Bloody Kiss]

FW: Fwd: you are guarenteed to laugh at least
> >once...
> >
> >
> >
> >
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> >
> >
> >
> > Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
> >
> >faster than an ambulance.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......are there handicap parking places
> >
> >in front of a skating rink.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America.....do we use answering machines to
> >
> >screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
> >
> >miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
> >
> >the first place.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk
> >
> >all the way to the back of the store to get their
> >
> >prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
> >
> >at the front.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......do people order double
> >
> >cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
> >
> >and then chain the pens to the counters.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
> >
> >of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
> >
> >the garage.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......do we! buy hot dogs in packages
> >
> >of ten and buns in packages of eight.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......do ! we use the word 'politics'
> >
> >to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
> >
> >meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
> >
> >creatures'.
> >
> >
> >
> >Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
> >
> >machines with Braille lettering.
> >
> >Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran
> >
> >live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the
> >
> >White House.
> >
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> >
> >EVER WONDER ....
> >
> >
> >
> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
> >
> >closed? !
> >
> >
> >
> >Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
> >
> >Lottery"?
> >
> >!
> >
> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
> >
> >dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why is the man who invests all your money called a
> >
> >broker ?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
> >
> >rush hour?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
> >
> >injections?
> >
> >
> >
> >You know that indestructible black box that is used on
> >
> >airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
> >
> >that stuff?! !
> >
> >
> >
> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> >
> >
> >Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
> >
> >together?
> >
> >
> >
> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
> >
> >opposite of progress?
> >
> >
> >
> >If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
> >
> >terminal?
> >
> >!
> >
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>--
> >
> >
> >
> >In case you needed further proof that the human race
> >
> >is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
> >
> >label instructions on consumer goods:
> >
> >
> >
> >1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
> >
> >Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair
> >
> >
> >
> >2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No
> >
> >purchase necessary.
> >
> >Details inside".
> >
> >Evidently, the shoplifter special
> >
> >
> >
> >3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
> >
> >regular soap."
> >
> >And that would be how...?
> >
> >
> >
> >4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving
> >
> >suggestions: Defrost."
> >
> >But it's *just* a suggestion
> >
> >
> >
> >5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
> >
> >bo: "Do not turn upside down".
> >
> >Oops, too late!
> >
> >
> >
> >6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be
> >
> >hot after heating.
> >
> >As sure as night follows the day . . . . .
> >
> >
> >
> >7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron
> >
> >clothes on body".
> >
> >But wouldn't this save even more time?
> >
> >
> >
> >8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive
> >
> >a car or operate machinery after taking this
> >
> >medication".
> >
> >We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
> >
> >accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >
> >head-colds off those forklifts.
> >
> >
> >
> >9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause
> >
> >drowsiness".
> >
> >One would hope
> >
> >
> >
> >10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
> >
> >outdoor use only".
> >
> >As opposed to what?
> >
> >
> >
> >11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for
> >
> >the other use".
> >
> >I gotta admit, I'm curious
> >
> >
> >
> >12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
> >
> >NEWS FLASH
> >
> >
> >
> >13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> >
> >"Instructions: open packet,eat nuts."
> >
> >Step 3: Fly Delta
> >
> >
> >
> >14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
> >
> >garment does not enable you to fly".
> >
> >I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for
> >
> >this one!
> >
> >
> >
> >15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop
> >
> >chain with your hands or genitals".
> >
> >Was there a chance of this happening
> >
> >somewhere?.....Good grief!


OMFG.... It all soooooo true!!! XD XD XD

[TemptingtoDream]

lmfao!!!!
> >11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for
> >
> >the other use".
> >
> >I gotta admit, I'm curious

lmao!! and the mascara thing is true! I open my mouth when I put on mascara....lmao, this is some good stuff...
this one had to be my all time favorite:
> >12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
> >
> >NEWS FLASH